Letters, part cinq

Dear tuberculosis,
Please don’t be inside my lungs.  Also, I hope that bump/”injection site” on my arm doesn’t react to you.  Because that would be bad.  Thanks.

Dear girl-who-hits-on-my-boyfriend,
Please desist.  Apparently we’re supposed to ‘get along,’ and it would be so much easier for me to actually tolerate you if you’d kindly stop.

Dear niece,
I have more fun watching you and spoiling you rotten than should be allowed.  Hopefully you’ll always remember me as the Fun (Not-Related-By-Blood) Aunt.  But for now I’ll settle for being the only aunt who’s willing to watch you at any time of the day and take you to the park and chase you around the playground because I’m really a monster who’s going to try to eat you if I catch you but I can’t because everyone knows that you’re safe on the jungle gym.

Dear universal childhood,
I love that no matter what, the jungle gym is always the “safe” or “time-out” area on playgrounds across the culture.  This makes me happy.

Dear politics,
Is it really so hard to come to an agreement for the sake of mankind?  For crying out loud, swallow your pride and do what’s right for the good of others.  Stop being so Greedy Grabbersonian.

Dear summer-that-will-not-end,
Go away.  I am so ready for fall, with the crunchy leaves, the crispy weather, the costumes, the seasonal drinks at Starbucks, and the general feeling of excitement and expectation for Christmas.  (Yes, I think of everything in terms of the Christmas season.)

More letters

Dear R,
I always knew that you needed me to help you function in polite society, but I never imagined that I was your only anchor to reality. You’re a spineless coward, and quite honestly, I feel sad for you. Hopefully you can overcome your many issues in time to contribute something to the real world outside of technology, but I’m not holding my breath.
With deepest loathing,
P.S.  (No, I did not want to ‘hook up’ with you again.  I simply missed your friendship.  Please get over yourself.)

Dear Friends,
You will never be inappropriate or grow old.  I will still apply you (perhaps silently) to situations when I’m 80.  Thank you for being relevant to everything in my life.
Love forever,

Dear unresolved sexual tension,
You make the world go ’round.  Without you, we wouldn’t be nearly as obsessed with half the tv shows we watch with fanatical loyalty.
Also, if you wouldn’t mind, please tell us the secret to keeping the fun alive after you’ve been resolved, because that’s where half the tv shows die.
Kisses dahling,

Dear coupons,
I hate clipping you.  It reminds me of all those years that we ate nothing but beans-and-rice, or quesadillas, or peanut-butter-and-jelly, simply because they were cheap and easy to make.  I still can’t eat that food anymore because we had it so often.  Please, economy, rally soon.  But until then, thank you for saving me so much money, even if I am begrudging about it.  I promise I appreciate you in my own small, bitter way.
Grumpily,

Dear Love-of-my-life,
I have always known that you were the lasting kind of man.  That you would treat your woman with love, respect and affection for the rest of her life, not just the beginning.  You are the guy who opens the doors, who would lay down his coat in the mud, who would buy flowers ‘just because.’  (Yes yes, at the same time you’re a man’s man, grr.)  I’ve known for years that when you love, you do it wholly, not just a little.  I just never imagined that I would be on the receiving end of all this.
I really do love you, the forever kind.  Thank you for being so amazing.  I’m excited to see where we go.
With all my heart,

Jo

More unsent letters

Dear State Credentialing People,
Thankyouthankyouthankyou!  Finally.  Life can begin.

Dear economy,
Please create more job opportunities so I don’t have to leave the state.  I like where I live.  And I just got my credential.  Thanks, much obliged.

Dear Shopaholic,
I think I can relate to you more than a little bit.  This worries me.

Dear work computer,
I’m still afraid of you.  Please don’t break on me.

Dear internet,
I love you, but I’m thinking of entering a 12-step program to get over you.
I’ll miss you.
(But we both know I’ll be back within the week.)

Un-sent letters, part 3

Dear urgent care clinic,
Thank you for being open, efficient and clean.  Thank you for making sure that I’m not going to die from appendicitis.  And your (real!  please do not touch!) orchids are lovely.  But is it necessary that blood work be so expensive?  Really?

Dear Sully from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman,
I’m sorry I ever strayed from you.  You were my first television love, and I have finally found my way back to you across the years.

Dear sleep,
Please come back to me.  I miss you.  I promise not to have any more of those freakish dreams.  You know the ones I’m talking about.

short and sweet

Dear American Idol,
Thank you for keeping Jamar Rogers and Danny Gokey together.  Nothing warms my little cynical heart more than seeing two guys in (what appears to be) a solid friendship.  I love them, and I hope they go far.

Dear Simon,
Seriously??  Bikini Girl comes onstage, and you turn into a gibbering idiot.  I normally dislike Kara, but in this case, I completely agree.  Bikini Girl has no talent and actually, she’s got very little sex appeal.  She looks like a female version of Gumbi.  Don’t make me lose all respect for you, please.

Dear Fringe,
I love you.  Please don’t ever change.  Or run out of ideas.
Also, don’t kill the chemistry between blondie-girl and son-of-frankenstein.  We need it.  (Best quote of the night?  Bishop: “I like to cut.”)

Dear DTV box converter thing,
You are the best thing that happened to our little cable-starved apartment so far.  I have no idea how you work, but I know that I love you, too.  No more rabbit-ears!