Dear R,
I always knew that you needed me to help you function in polite society, but I never imagined that I was your only anchor to reality. You’re a spineless coward, and quite honestly, I feel sad for you. Hopefully you can overcome your many issues in time to contribute something to the real world outside of technology, but I’m not holding my breath.
With deepest loathing,
P.S. (No, I did not want to ‘hook up’ with you again. I simply missed your friendship. Please get over yourself.)
Dear Friends,
You will never be inappropriate or grow old. I will still apply you (perhaps silently) to situations when I’m 80. Thank you for being relevant to everything in my life.
Love forever,
Dear unresolved sexual tension,
You make the world go ’round. Without you, we wouldn’t be nearly as obsessed with half the tv shows we watch with fanatical loyalty.
Also, if you wouldn’t mind, please tell us the secret to keeping the fun alive after you’ve been resolved, because that’s where half the tv shows die.
Kisses dahling,
Dear coupons,
I hate clipping you. It reminds me of all those years that we ate nothing but beans-and-rice, or quesadillas, or peanut-butter-and-jelly, simply because they were cheap and easy to make. I still can’t eat that food anymore because we had it so often. Please, economy, rally soon. But until then, thank you for saving me so much money, even if I am begrudging about it. I promise I appreciate you in my own small, bitter way.
Grumpily,
Dear Love-of-my-life,
I have always known that you were the lasting kind of man. That you would treat your woman with love, respect and affection for the rest of her life, not just the beginning. You are the guy who opens the doors, who would lay down his coat in the mud, who would buy flowers ‘just because.’ (Yes yes, at the same time you’re a man’s man, grr.) I’ve known for years that when you love, you do it wholly, not just a little. I just never imagined that I would be on the receiving end of all this.
I really do love you, the forever kind. Thank you for being so amazing. I’m excited to see where we go.
With all my heart,
Jo
